Recently my son was not well. He was very uncomfortable in his body and was quite restless and unsettled. He was fighting high temperatures for a few days until I got antibiotics from the doctor to treat him for an ear infection. I went to his room to our rocking chair to help him settle down. I could feel the tension in my body from the way he was.
Stillness is something that I had always feared in a way. For as long as I can remember, I had always kept myself busy, always feeling like I had to be productive. It was never enough to just be me.
I would run from job to job, go to the gym, dinners, see friends, but not really be there, not being present. I would always be thinking about where I needed to be next and what I needed to do. My day was a constant battle to stay on top. I would get home, cook dinner, throw it down, jump in the shower, slap on some moisturiser and jump into bed before doing it all again the next day
My life has been filled with endless to-do lists and a drive to complete them, no matter the effect on my body. By completing these endless tasks I felt like I was achieving so much and was always seen by others to be “doing so well in life”. This put a lot of unnecessary pressure on me to perform and I would be very hard on myself if I didn’t finish the crazy goals I had set. I lived on nervous energy and anxiety, making me exhausted by the end of a working week.
The stress I placed on myself was insurmountable and I felt like I could never really get to that place of perfection. I was setting myself up for failure from the get-go and this was taking its toll on my body.